The Substitute Phone
A PHONE ADDICT’S COPING TOOL.
You may scoff at the thought of people who are addicted to their phones, but just think... Where is your phone right now? In your pocket, on your desk, in your hand? Try going for a whole day without touching it. It’s hard now, right? Well, maybe you need a bit of digital detoxing — and the Substitute Phone is here to help. Phone addiction is real, and you probably know someone who uses their phone an unhealthy amount. These phone-shaped fidget devices cater to swiping, pinching and scrolling gestures, using beads embedded into the otherwise featureless black plastic body. They’ve been created to help phone addicts cope with going cold turkey, letting them slowly ditch their pleasure-inducing “checking behaviour”. At time of writing, the shop wasn’t up and running, but it will be soon.
THE WC YOUR CAT DESERVES?
There’s no shortage of weird cat tech out there these days; but while some devices actually encourage your cat to participate in healthy activities (remote-controlled laser games, for instance), drink more or eat less (fountains and bowls that monitor your cat’s daily intake) or stimulate their senses (air fresheners), others are just... well, ridiculous! Some people are disproportionately grossed out about cat poop. There’s no easy way to say it. This elaborate cat toilet system plugs into your plumbing and gets rid of your pet’s stinky demons by allowing urine to pass through a porous belt and solids to be conveyed into a chamber for shredding and dispatching. If this all sounds amazing, consider the price. If you would be willing to spend upwards of $300 for this thing rather than spend five seconds each day swooping down, nose plugged, with a tissue or plastic bag to pick up those poo logs, then we think there’s something rather wrong with you. We know your cat’s a princess, but she can poop like a regular cat, thanks.
SMART DECANTER FOR THE MAN CAVE.
Do you like Jim Beam bourbon? Do you like the idea of a smart decanter pouring your bourbon for you? Well, lucky for you, Jim Beam has gone and made you the perfect belated Christmas present. It pours whiskey and that’s about it. Voiced by master distiller Fred Noe, the JIM can pour precisely measured shots for “legal drinking age consumers” — because everybody knows underage individuals don’t know how to use modern technology. While we’re aware that the company has released tongue-in-cheek products before (see its Apple shot glasses), we’re not entirely convinced they’re doing it again here, making fun of smart speakers, such as the Google Home. Regardless of their intentions, they’re currently sold out. That says a lot about its customers...
A NEW AND RATHER TASTELESS SOUND EXPERIENCE.
This expensive piece of headgear is “a baseball-style cap with high-fidelity stereo speakers and microphone that can connect instantly to any Bluetooth-enabled device”. There’s no doubting that you have to be a particular kind of person to want this — a hopeless nostalgic, and one who has little to no concern about nearby people who don’t necessarily share the same music tastes. Connecting to your phone, the speakers will blare out your tunes from embedded lightweight speakers in the peak, which also contains a mic. They’re currently on sale for US$100 (regular price is US$130), so if you’re mad keen on Atari merch and also have a lot of dough burning a hole in your pocket, go ahead...